I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
