i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
