I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I forget how to act sober
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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