Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
