if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
