I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
