he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
