Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
