They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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