Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
