Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
