Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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