Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
