Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My vagina is officially offended.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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