If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
