I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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