sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
