Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
