also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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