Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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