I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
