fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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