I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
