I think I just saw someone hide a body.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
