Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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