I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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