She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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