Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
