I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
