can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
