Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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