Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
