dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
