Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
