I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
