I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
