just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
