i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
