he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
