Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
