I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
