She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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