woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
