as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
