I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
