You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
