on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
