I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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