jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
