Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
